I’m quickly approaching the one-year mark of when I was diagnosed.  Of course, there’s a lot of emotion and anxiety there and because of that, for the month of January I’ve been focusing on Recovery.  What it means to me, what that looks like, and what I’ve been doing in this process.

In my current state of remission, Recovery means taking a look at all that baggage from last year, the negative thoughts and strange experiences, and discovering how to make ‘me’ better.  

#BOOBSBOOBSBOOBS

It took a part of me, that damn cancer. I can’t or I’m not sure how to explain it. That missing piece took a little bit of my hope, future, happiness, normalcy and time. Practically an entire years worth of time wrapped into one giant mess of mental anguish and appointments. Physically my recovery has been going swimmingly but emotionally I’m still in repair. Moving past what I went through is so difficult especially with random emotional triggers that take me to a time and place I’ve been trying to move past. But I can’t. I can’t forget how I felt and the experience of it all.

When thinking about what Recovery truly means to me, it sparks more questions…

Is recovery a grieving process – to grieve my old self? Am I allowed time to forgive myself for what happened– a surprise diagnosis? Did I give myself enough time to think about what really happened last year? To heal not only my scars but my heart as well.

It’s difficult to express my fears and constant anxiousness of it all. Most would think I’ve adjusted so well. That I’ve moved on and past all my demons and fearful thoughts but the reality of it all is that I don’t think they ever left. On most days, I’m able to put those thoughts aside because I can see the goodness or I’m just too distracted to notice, but they tend to fight their way to surface. It’s even more frustrating at times when I feel like no one understands.  That when I try to share a little more about what I’m currently going through, a common reaction (and I’ve heard this multiple times) is to just take something – a pill to make it better. But when does that stop? I’m already getting an injection once a month and taking a pill everyday; do I take another pill to help counter those side effects? Will that give me more side effects? It’s exhausting to think of ways to explain how this situation is a little different from your average menopause. It sometimes makes me feel like what I’m going through is so insignificant and that I shouldn’t be feeling that way.  

It’s a tough balance and I’m (as always) still learning how to navigate through it.  The side effects seem like they will never end but change from one treatment to the next.  It’s difficult at times, I find myself in tears, especially with this anniversary coming up.  

A New Outlook

I’ve been finding new ways to address what’s been bothering me but in a creative way that I enjoy.  It’s more art-driven and I’ve been loving it so far.

I’ve been seeing more content about bullet journaling and this is my form of that — I don’t create a calendar or daily log of tasks but I like the creative aspect of it.  It’s my form of creative journaling (see pic at top of page)! I like being able to explore different topics (or at least that’s my idea) and what that means to me, through my lens. You’ll see more posts about specific journal entries and I’m excited to share that with you! 🙂