My second, third and fourth treatments went by quicker than I anticipated.  I went into each one with a little more understanding of what to expect. And having decided to stop the cold caps, my days wrapped up by the lunch hour, giving me more time to rest.  

The days following my infusions were similar to the first cycle – I experienced bone pain and body aches from the Neulasta, and neuropathy in my fingertips and cheeks.  I saw a very small patch of rash on my legs that quickly went away (nothing as devastating as the first).

The biggest concern over these past couple of months has been the fatigue.  Before experiencing this firsthand, I didn’t realize there was a difference between tired and fatigue.  There’s not only a physical component but a mental one as well; it’s not that you don’t want to do things, you honestly can’t.  For me, it’s the simple everyday things that can get me – taking a shower, eating a meal, getting out of bed in the morning. It’s feeling exhausted and disengaged.  Sometimes I lay in bed and fall asleep hoping that feeling will soon pass.

In spite of these side effects, I decided to return to work between each treatment to regain some sort of routine and control over what I was experiencing.  However, this was a tougher transition than expected – just when I thought I finally caught up with my work and had a handle on things, it was time to start my next treatment. Above all else, I didn’t want my colleagues to pity me or have them think I couldn’t do my job.  And struggling through the fatigue made this time even more difficult.  At times, I felt like I was working at 50% of my norm; I just couldn’t invest my energy in things I would normally want to.  I would easily forget things, I had a difficult time concentrating, or make small mistakes. Managing my fatigue, in addition to having to “look” like me and trying to mask my struggles, I felt I was barely making it through each day.  Some days I would come home just so mentally exhausted.

It was becoming more evident that I was having a difficult time bouncing back between my treatments. I realized that I needed to take a step back before I could move forward.  Taking time off from work to get some much needed rest before my surgery in July has been the best decision I could make. People may think this gets easier.. that having gone through four treatments, my body would be used to it by now.  I don’t believe it does. To me, it’s been more exhausting. The physical and emotional wear on your body and soul does take its toll.

Having just gone through my fifth treatment, I feel I’m in a better space and ready for my last infusion in a couple of weeks.  My biggest lesson learned so far has been to listen to my body. At this point, there has been so many people in my life helping me through my symptoms, side effects, treatments, etc, that it can be so overwhelming that I forget to listen to what my own self is telling me.  It’s something that only I will know and can interpret. Taking the necessary time to recover, I know will only better my chances and give me the strength for my next steps.