Living with cancer is not easy and I don’t believe anyone expects it to be. Some days I’m not okay. I’m constantly being told what not to do or what I can’t eat or drink. The back pain and body aches come back, the fatigue will hit me like a wave and all I’ll want to do is rest. 

The most difficult realization has been knowing I may leave a part of the old me behind.  I’ve changed through this process – my diagnosis, treatments. I didn’t realize I would feel different about life, something I took for granted.  Yes, in the end I’ll be stronger having gone through this and educated in knowing to expect, but that carefree attitude I once had is missing from my everyday life.  And that scares me. 

To counter this feeling, the pain, sleepless nights, fear, and exhaustion, I’ll try to be the “me” that everyone knows.  It’s not that I don’t want to be honest, I just don’t want to talk about it over and over again. It’s easier for me to mask the effects with a smile and a laugh.   

… But sometimes, those feelings are so overwhelming that I can’t hide it.  I start to react to things negatively and with so much attitude and anger. During these times I’m irritable and just not happy.  It’s a feeling 10 times worse than my PMS. I’ve come to realize that shielding my feelings and emotions are not the best way to deal with what I’m going through.  My reactions to things aren’t my normal reactions, and I catch myself being such a bitch and I honestly don’t mean to. I understand it’s difficult to be on the receiving end of this and I apologize. I can truly say it’s not personal.  It’s not personal when I don’t answer your call or text right away. It’s not personal when I answer you with a little attitude and a lot of sass. It’s not personal when I want to walk alone or have lunch by myself.

It is difficult navigating through the stresses of chemo while thinking about my surgery and radiation ahead.  Most times I just want to feel normal again. I see my friends and coworkers having the best time, having fun on their weekends, birthdays, and holidays.  All the while, I’m at home recovering and managing my diet and symptoms. I know one day soon when my treatment plan is complete, I’ll be able to do things again and that day can’t come soon enough.

This has been a tough and rough journey.. For my supporters who have stuck by me, I thank you for letting me figure out how to deal with this the best way I can.  I’m just trying to deal with something much bigger than I had imagined.  I still make mistakes but I’m learning from them. I’m growing and slowly becoming a better person from this. I love you all!