Cancer-free.

Survivorship.

Thriver.

I’ve been somewhat afraid to use those terms.  Not because of their meaning, I’ve worked so hard to get to this point – to consider myself a survivor, but afraid I might jinx it.. it can feel almost too good to be true.

It’s been a little over 9 months since I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I endured 7 1/2 months of treatments – from 6 rounds of chemotherapy, lumpectomy, and 30-days of radiation therapy, and I can now say that my treatment plan is finally over! Basically my entire year was filled with appointments, examinations, blood draws, a cabinet filled with prescription medication, side effects.. It’s hard to believe that this part of my journey, the ‘curing’ piece, is now over with.  What I’m left with are the memories, experiences, lingering worry and anxiety of what once was. Thinking back, I can’t believe I’ve been through so much and survived it. I honestly didn’t think I was strong enough. I remember breaking down and crying everyday for the first month following my diagnosis. I remember hearing certain songs, and crying in my car while stuck in traffic. I remember crying in the bathroom at work, tearing up on my lunch breaks and just wanting to hide.  I questioned everything in my mind, how could this happen? why did it happen? what did I do?

Moving from my diagnosis to starting my treatments, I was so unsure of myself.  Although I had so many people around me, to support me, yet at times, I never felt more alone.  I was so afraid, afraid of the worst possible situations, afraid I wasn’t going to make it through, afraid of myself and what my body had done, afraid my treatments wouldn’t work.  With each step, each day that passed, I learned a little more about myself in this process. I discovered how strong I could be. I discovered that I have a voice in all of this. I learned I could be vulnerable.  I learned to be honest about my feelings and experiences. I discovered (and rediscovered) how valuable my friendships and relationships are. I learned how quickly things can change, and with it, I learned to accept those changes.  

October 16 was the last day of radiation therapy – the last day of my treatment plan.  I had mixed feelings about it, but mostly I was excited, I mean of course I was EXCITED.  For the first time in a long time, I felt a sense of relief. Although I still have a laundry list of things to do, this part, the PLAN that was discussed with me in January, the PLAN that scared the shit out of me, the PLAN that took up most of my life in 2018, is now complete.  

In all of the excitement, I celebrated… with trips to Monterey and Palm Springs… with meat-feasts and a pumpkin decorating party. I felt so broken for such a long time, that now, I finally feel like I can allow myself to feel a little ounce of happiness and excitement again.  I celebrated with the people I love, my support system. 

Moving on to the next phase, what I consider my maintenance and prevention stage, I am optimistic.  I know there are some side effects associated with hormone therapy but I know I have a good team of physicians, an amazing partner, and the best support a girl like me could ask for.  

I’m Patrice.  I’m a breast cancer survivor.