Some time has passed since my last post but I felt like this would be a good time to pick up where I left off…

Since completing the major part of my treatments, I feel like I’ve been living life six months at a time. Every six months, I’m scheduled for either a mammogram/ultrasound or a MRI as part of my bi-annual check-up. The appointments themselves are rather standard and straightforward, but the feelings leading up that six month mark are so intense – it leaves me feeling so anxious, fearful and uneasy. For me, it’s more than just being afraid of the results, there’s also a part of me that’s not ready for another bad thing to happen. I’m going on to my second year of survivorship soon and this whole experience so far has felt like a marathon that I just barely completed… I can’t imagine needing to win another race so soon. I need more time to heal – not just my body, but my mind, to regain my sense of purpose and find my way back again.

My next scan is two days away and I’m in the thick of it. I find myself extra-emotional, more sensitive, overthinking every decision, breathing a little heavier… Those feelings are not easy to shake off. I catch myself drifting into my dark and scary place.. the place I thought I would have left behind by now. But moving on and moving forward doesn’t always mean pushing those feelings aside and not addressing them, but taking small steps to face them head-on. I want to understand those fears and anxieties and learn how to work through them.

I don’t have a great record of scans to go by; I’m 1 for 1. When I try to rationalize my thoughts to get ahead of the dark and scaries, I know deep down that the good outweighs the bad. And that is what I hold on to dear life to. I’ve been keeping up with my Lupron injections, Anastrazole, and Zometa infusions. I could do better at eating healthier and being more active (if i’m being truly honest). And being in the middle of a global pandemic does not help things either. 

I find that talking out these fears and countering them with the things I’m actually doing to make things better (those small steps), helps me breathe a little easier. Writing these out, blogging, texting my girlfriends, helps me through the dark moments… and it somehow becomes less scary.

Every six months I go through the same emotions like clockwork. Will that ever change? I hope that with time, I can slowly trust that I can live my life beyond each six months, that going in for a scan will be just another “routine” check-up, like going in for a teeth cleaning. I know it will take time and I just have to keep doing my best and do what I can to mentally prepare myself for my next step, no matter how small a step that may be.