I don’t know if I had told you this in a previous post.. I’m in the HR field. It was something I sort of fell into years ago and stuck with it. I’ve always loved the people aspect of my work, meeting new hires and helping employees. I saw my career path: I wanted to be a HR Business Partner in a few years and one day, a HR Director, so I studied and I even received my SHRM-CP a couple years ago. It was good. I was happy with that trajectory. Then.. breast cancer happened. And now I’m left feeling so unsure and at times, unsatisfied with what I’m doing.  It makes me question if this is the right career for me? 

From what I’ve heard and read, this does happen to survivors. We’re in this limbo of juggling our new post-cancer lives and figuring out what that really means. And sometimes pieces of our old selves don’t necessarily feel right anymore. Should I continue on this path? Do I find something new? Will it be difficult to jump into a different field / path? What is stopping me from moving forward? 

Being in HR and a cancer survivor, I can tell you that there is no right or wrong answer here. I have the same questions anyone overcoming such a large obstacle would. I’ve been doing some significant soul searching and it’s hard figuring this shit out, I’m not going to lie. 

How do I know when it’s the right time to leave? I’ve been comfortable for some time now in my current role, and comfortable isn’t always a bad thing. I have the trust of colleagues and supervisors and can take time off when needed for appointments, scan, etc. no probing questions asked. Which makes this complicated life so much easier at times. I would miss that support. But am I compromising one part of me for another? 

I tend to live in the past, yes, I know that’s not always healthy or helpful, but it’s where my mind goes when I wonder what I would be doing today if I didn’t have cancer. I always think, I would have done this or I would have tried that by now. And I know I shouldn’t think that way because it doesn’t really exist anymore. I asked my therapist about this and she reminded me: we will never know if old Patrice would have left or if she would still be there. She’s different.. I’m different. So how do I figure out what the next step is for me? Do I pursue my passions? Do I find a new role in the field? A different organization to work for? 

I’m also scared. I’m afraid of failing.. Afraid of making a mistake. Moving on would mean letting go completely of that part of the old me. So many things happened while working for my current employer. Moving on from this job would mean changing a significant part of my life. Although I want to move forward, it still scares the shit out of me – that unknown. I’ve experienced so many unknowns since my diagnosis. Am I really ready to let her go?

What started as a simple post about career change has turned into one of the most profound and thought provoking discussions I’ve had with myself here. Wow. balls.. Am I really ready to let her go?  The old me? Maybe my current state has less to do with the job itself but more about me and my internal dialog about my survivorship. I don’t have the answers to any of this right now. But, I feel better knowing that this is a start. I was feeling so anxious when I started writing this and now, I feel a little better. I can breathe a little easier. 

With so many questions left unanswered, I will (hopefully) update you all soon…