I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this before but I’m not usually a quiet person.  I’ve been told on many occasions that I talk too much, if that’s even possible? So for me to go almost two months without a blog post has been interesting.. As you can image, I will have a lot to share.

Since we haven’t chatted in such a long time, this is where my head, thoughts, and feeling are currently:  

Having gone through such a life-altering situation and to currently be in a good place, it’s been making me think a lot about my future.  Since completing my treatments, I’ve been trying to figure things out for myself… and what this place really means to me.  Nothing about cancer is ever easy and being in progress is the only status that I feel comfortable identifying with.  

For many people having endured months of difficulty and shitty experiences, saying you’re a SURVIVOR is a triumph. It should be shouted from the rooftops! Yes, I can say I survived my treatments; And yes, I survived this horrific breast cancer diagnosis; but in so many ways, I don’t feel complete enough to call myself a survivor… or at least not yet.  I’ve been struggling for months with this thought and I don’t say that out of pity for myself or sadness or anger. My reality is for the next 4.5 years, I’ll still be going through the motions: a lupron injection every month, an arimidex pill everyday, labs every few months, scans every 6 months…

I thought I would feel different after experiencing my first 6-month scan (a mammogram and ultrasound) last week.  The scan appointment itself went by pretty quickly – although I was left with a few bruises, I’m convinced my boobs will never get used to this torture! I was surprised to have the Radiologist on duty review my images and meet with me immediately.  I thought I was going to have to wait a few days to hear back, which would have been even more torture.

All good news. The results came back clear! Whooohooo!!

I was such a mess this entire week leading up to this appointment. Full of nervousness, fear, worry.  The weight of it all didn’t hit me until a few days before when my mind drifted to those nagging and scary what-ifs. What if they see something? What if this cancer came back or spread? What if I need more tests and new treatments?

It was a familiar feeling that made up all of that anxiety. This is such a dark and scary place to let my mind wander to. And it was getting the best of me. I could recognize the signs.. I drifted in and out of sleep, waking up with that nervousness and tears. I felt my head just wasn’t in the right place at work either – I felt alone and distant.  I had to take a day to get my mind centered and to prepare myself for the next day. It’s not always easy to recognize that shift in emotions from my normal day-to-day, but I’ve been trying.

Taking the last few months to really understand my thoughts and emotional wellness has been really important to me.  It’s not always rainbows, sunshine and smiles; actually, most days aren’t. I want to make a point to celebrate those good days, like getting the all-clear from my doctors.

I feel like that’s why I’m in ‘still surviving’ mode and in progress.  It’s not to be negative or have negative connotations with it.  It’s truly how I feel.  And I like that I can be honest about my life after cancer treatments. 

I’m a Breast Cancer Ass Kicker / Survivor-In-Progress.  

That status may not fit on a button 🙂