Having a successful surgery yet still on the mend, I decided (with my surgeon and oncologist’s okay) that it was time to go back to work.  I had mixed emotions about going back to work so quickly – on the one hand, I wanted to get out of the house and actually do something with my time, get back to a routine; while on the other hand, I was nervous.  I honestly wasn’t sure how I would feel having gone through so much in the past few months I’ve been on medical leave. What would it be like going back to work? Will I still feel like I have a place there? Will I burst into tears or nervously laugh my pain away?  Will my interactions with my colleagues change?

This was such a strange experience for me.. It felt like I was starting a new job, yet the position and people were the same.  I still laugh at the same jokes.. Still a chatterbox.. The ladies I lunch with are still there.. Everyone was so happy to see me, so encouraging, with so much genuine care.. However, something inside of me just felt different.  

I felt an overwhelming burden of wanting to fit back into place.  To still be me, the “normal” me that everyone knows. In that first week back, I slowly learned that I did change but in that process of rediscovery I overdid it – overextended myself by doing too much.  Not because I was told I had to, but because I wanted to… I wanted to prove to myself that I could still do those things I did before.

It’s been such a tough transition.  I felt an underlying sense that I was disappointing someone. That I wouldn’t be the old me – the one they knew they could count on; to put in so much effort and thought; the one that aspired to be the best.  I can’t help but feel stuck between the old me and the present me.

>>>>>

It’s almost 2am on Tuesday.  My eyes feel puffy, tears are still running down my cheek.  I feel exhausted yet I can’t sleep. My mind is racing… how can I get things back to the way it once was? How do I move forward from here?

It’s like a jigsaw puzzle with pieces I want to make fit together but can’t. I know things won’t be the same; I know I’ve been through something life-altering and still going through things that have changed me forever. Why can’t I stop fixating on living up to my old high standards? Why am I being so hard on myself for not doing what I’m “supposed” to be doing?

How do I teach myself to find my new place?

I don’t believe there is a straightforward answer.  My therapist had explained that this transition, going from treatments to work can be difficult for many people in my shoes.  But each person adjusts differently to change and going back to routines.  Some may get by more quickly than others.  It takes time. Time to re-introduce yourself to your old routines and your day-to-day life. 

My early morning anxiety attack had taught me to slow things down and be mindful of how I’m feeling and to acknowledge that this (and life) still isn’t easy.  I took that day off to rest.  I was feeling so unstable, emotional, and wasn’t well.  I needed time to breathe, to recoup.

I’m learning to not rush the process.  

To be kind to myself. 

To take things day by day, one step at a time.

*** I created this sponge painting a week before returning to work and smartly titled it “my return to work”.  I didn’t mean to make it look to hideous or upsetting, it just happened that way! LOL. When I explained to my art therapy group what I do for a living, they laughed at the irony.  (insert HR, fun-sucking, evil-human-beings, joke):