“Cancer Patient”

I really don’t like that term… in our minds, we all conjure up images of what someone with cancer and/or going through chemo should look like – ghostly, sickly, frail, bald..

From the beginning I’ve never wanted to be referred to as ‘that girl with cancer’.  Whether I look sick or healthy, it’s important for me to not let my illness, this fucken cancer, define who I am.  

But to outsiders, strangers looking in – sometimes that’s all they see.

I remember grocery shopping a few months ago, newly bald, I wanted to quickly get ready so I put on a beanie and headed out.  Since I’m usually out with wearing a wig, I never really experienced those random odd stares or quick glances before that trip. I’m not usually one to let others opinions bother me, but that day was different. New to my chemo-effects, I already felt a huge sense of insecurity. Those looks and glances just made me feel worse.

I shopped as quickly as I could and left the grocery store upset and almost in tears.

Should I try to look like everyone else, normal (I now hate that word) everywhere I go?  Or should I just leave it be – why should I care what others think, I’m going through chemo for crying out loud!?

Personally, this came down to confidence.  I think there’s a lot to be said about feeling confident in your own skin and with all the changes and new experiences I’ve been going through, I just wasn’t feeling comfortable at the time.  I wasn’t ready for strangers to know what I was going through and above all else, I didn’t want their pity.

For me, this was just one more speed bump on my already bumpy road.  Not wearing my ‘hair’ as a shield for my insecurities is still a big step for me. Feeling comfortable out in a beanie and/or headscarf took me a while to work through.  It says: I’m clearly going through something, something difficult; but looking at the bigger picture: being out (grocery shopping, having a nice meal, getting a coffee) means I’m stronger than what’s happening to me. 

This part of my journey has been an eye-opening process of me and makes me realize that I am a work in progress.  I haven’t fully come to terms with everything I have been experiencing with my cancer diagnosis and/or treatment but acknowledging the small victories is a step in the positive direction, like having the courage to wear a headscarf in public with no makeup or posting a recent selfie with my bald-ish head, which happens to be one of my favorite pics so far.  When my hair grows out a bit more, my goal is to one day go out without cover on my head.

Here I am… yes, a cancer patient but I’m so much more than that… a wife, friend, (soon-to-be) survivor, the fighter, and still silly and weird.