And sometimes, you just have to put yourself out there and believe…

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I wasn’t ready to talk about it in detail with anyone.  I was scared, confused, angry, so so angry (fuck cancer). It took me a long time to feel comfortable with sharing my story, even with close friends and family.  Til this day, I still tear up when I need to explain things from the beginning – that wound is still fresh and it still pains me deep down inside.

I’ve never felt more vulnerable than I have this past year.  People know something so intimate about me, something that hurts me so much.  That feeling of vulnerability is what helped me to start this blog.  Not just using this as a way to update everyone close to me, but to actually talk about my experiences.  It’s not as easy as I thought it would be but I was up for the challenge. It also took me a while to be in the right mindset to get started, to share little details about what I’m feeling.  

Sharing my feelings doesn’t come easy for me and is not something I’m used to.  Besides being an angsty hormonal teen, growing up, I never really verbally expressed my emotions nor do I remember being encouraged to so.  But once I began writing my first post, I felt a calmness inside, and it strangely put my mind at ease. I could finally get my feelings out.  I finally have a voice. I finally have control over something in my life.

Having the last 5 months planned out for me with very little control of the outcome, I been so anxious and at times, afraid.  I was no longer in control of what happens next in my life, it’s just my body, the cancer, and the treatments. This has been one of the hardest parts in accepting my diagnosis.  How do I move forward and accept what is happening?

The questions we ask ourselves, the how’s and why’s, can easily take us down a dark and scary road.  I sometimes venture down that path, when I wake up at 2am and can’t go back to sleep or I read an article or blog post about someone’s cancer recurrence…

How do you get back to the present? My therapist asked.  

I’m not sure, I just somehow snap out of it.  I think about the good things I have, the people in my life, the things I want to do. And those thoughts slowly disappear for the time being.

I’ve been working on staying in the present.  To not let my mind wander too far in the future, into the unknown.  It’s easier said than done… but with help, I have seen how important it is to not let the unknown, the what if’s, suppress all the good I could be experiencing right now.  

During my chemo, it was easy to put these thoughts and feelings on the back-burner, knowing I would address them sooner or later.  There was so much to worry about at the time that I couldn’t fathom crying in a chair while sharing my feelings with a stranger. But as timed passed, I realized those thoughts would slowly grow to something bigger and I knew I wanted help, someone not in my circle who could listen.  I truly believe you have to be ready and want to accept that help and advice. When I started my journey, I honestly was not ready – I would not have listened to anyone nor shared what I was going through, but today, I believe it is a big part of my healing. 

I’m also taking advantage of art therapy.  I have always loved art and studied it in College.  I believe that having an additional way to express myself, a creative outlet I already have a good connection with, will be hugely beneficial to my progress.