When you’re told you’ll be going through chemotherapy, one of the major side effects you think of is hair loss. This was something I fixated on internally.  I kept thinking I will no longer look like me.. and my illness wasn’t something I was ready to share with the world.

During a consultation, my oncologist had told me about Penguin Cold Caps – a company that specializes in a non-invasive scalp cooling therapy to help minimize hair loss.  First of all, I love everything penguins so this was like a message from the heavens, and second, this sounded awesome..I had never heard of such a thing. I contacted the local rep and few days and some paperwork later, I was set up for my cold cap therapy.

I’m not sure what I was more afraid of, my first infusion or my first cold cap.  I was told stories about how painful the caps would be and how it wasn’t worth the money.  But being the strong minded, stubborn little shit I always have been, I didn’t listen to anyone.  

To be honest, it wasn’t as bad as people described.  You basically wear a cap made of ice packs throughout your chemo infusion – depending on your drugs, this could be for a few hours or more.  Yes, it was COLD… but manageable. It wasn’t so excruciating that I wanted to scream or rip it off of my head. Maybe it was because I had a ton (and I mean a TON) of thick asian hair or maybe it was the pre-med benadryl that numbed me but I got through the first one with no major issues.  

I opted for the white glove service, which meant having a therapist there to change my cap every 30 minutes (as opposed to having my husband do this) during my treatments.  And because of my cocktail, I required an additional 4 hours of cold caps after my treatment was over. I was basically at the infusion center for an entire workday. For me, spending the extra money for this service was well worth it.  

Some things to note about the cold caps – you cannot wash your hair for a few days before and after your treatment and you should use an organic shampoo/conditioner.  I bought mine from WholeFoods and it did not lather or wash the grime out. Yes, it was gross. Since I needed to really baby my hair, I did what I could without pulling or tugging at my hair to comb out the matting.  I even bought a silk pillowcase.. I mean, there’s a level of dedication involved here. You have to be all-in.

Toward the end of my first cycle and at the beginning of my second, I had a feeling the caps weren’t working for me.  My hair started shedding more and more each day. [Have you seen the movie ‘The Craft’? I felt like Christine Taylor’s character.] Clumps of my hair fell out EVERYWHERE – it stuck to our sofa, on pillows, my husband’s shirts, and I would find strands of hair all over my desk at work.  It was depressing. I couldn’t make it stop and I couldn’t clean it up fast enough.

When I saw my cap therapist during my second treatment, she ensured me the shedding was normal, although it was more than she and I were anticipating.  She secured each cap more tightly with an extra velcro strap each time just to be sure the cap hugged my head.

The shedding continued and I was left with visible bald patches.    

The weekend following my second treatment was when I decided I had enough.  The matting and shedding was just too much. I cried so much just knowing I would have to shave to head. I called my hairstylist who took care of it for me. He made it such an easy step. I didn’t cry in the chair, and to my surprise it felt good to let it go.  It was freeing to not have to worry about my hair anymore.

I’m sad the cold caps didn’t work for me but I’m glad I tried it.  Everyone experiences side effects differently – just because this didn’t work for me, it doesn’t mean it can’t work for you, your partner or a friend.  I would encourage anyone going through this to consider it as well.

It’s been almost two months since I shaved my head and I still get surprised when I look in the mirror.  I sometimes forget that I don’t have hair. I even had some brillo-head action a few weeks ago.. My hair grew about half an inch but decided to fall out again – it was bound to happen and I wasn’t too attached to them (literally, lol!)

I was trying so hard to preserve a part of who I was or something I thought I needed.  I loved my hair, we had some fun times together.  I remember receiving a text message that made me feel a little better about my decision and put things in perspective for me, it read:  “You are a beautiful young woman and, while your hair is lovely, it is not what makes you lovely!”

And it wasn’t the end of my world like I had initially thought but the beginning of a new chapter… WIGS!

L: at my first treatment, modeling my fab cold cap; R: hair loss / shedding

L: the old me; R: the new me